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Woman March 1: See No Evil, Speak No evil

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People sometime argue that the problem of domestic violence stems from the importance we place on marriage.   But it's much deeper and insidious than that. 


I remember going to a bank when I was still single in Abuja. I stood by the entrance and wasted a bit of time because I was trying to figure out what to do with my glass case. The man at the entrance was so rude to me. He called me funny names and said something about aimless unmarried girls filling their bags with useless things.


Fast forward to 6 months later. I was wearing an engagement ring by then and went to the  same bank and the same scenario occurred since I have this unnecessary addiction for oversized hand bags (when I am leaving my house everything seems important) and I am a bit clumsy unfortunately or fortunately  (depending on how you reason) it was the same guy. He was so nice going on about how Madam (me) should take her time. He even offered to help hold my bag and asked about my "oga" like they were fond old friends. I was in confused awe. Total 360 from the guy I met a few months ago. Then it hit me, it was my ring.


In Nigeria when a woman gets to a certain age, and is still single, some people do not believe she deserves the respect they will give to a woman who is less accomplished and much younger as long as she is married. So this makes marriage a thing for women to aspire to. 

When a woman who is accomplished falls for a man much less accomplished with low self-esteem, something may warn her off but the fact that the level of respect due to her will not be accorded by some people till she marries and the pressure by family and society that marriage completes a woman makes her marry him and makes her think she should stay in a marriage if the guy eventually uses her as a punching bag or as a cushion to stick hurtful words like pins.

It's stupid and crazy but it's our reality.

For women to fully emancipate themselves they have to live in a society that celebrates them at all stages. If you get no respect in your home until you are married, of course the fact that you will get none if you leave your marriage is a valid fear. Humans want respect and let's not forget that women are human too. We fear the fact that we will be the object of everybody's scorn. 

If no one knows your husband is beating you, they will say he is taking good care of you, if they know he is, they will ask you what you did.  This is not the only country where women live with this secret or still feel shame about it. That's the trick of abuse and your abuser makes you believe that you are nothing without him or her or somehow we are tricked into believing we are the cause of our failures because this happened to us. In a society like ours this invalidates you and your abuser plays on these things.

It's easy for us to say to these people   "leave your marriage and run" I say it every time too but these women are victims of psychological manipulation from the society and from their abusers.
A hold on the body is easier to let go of than a hold on the mind. 

We are asked to act as if nothing is happening in our homes "this is a family issue" "don't wash your dirty linen in public" and so and so. When your husband cheats if you didn't see it but suspect, you can't say it if you did prove it, move right on like you didn't. 

We are more Christian than the people who brought us the religion. So we back it by God's word, usually the verse about submission, as though the only reason for being abused is because you did not submit.


He slapped you once "ehn manage, you must have made him angry". He beat you and caused a miscarriage”, but he loves his kids and provides for you".
It's sad and disturbing but until our society totally eliminates the idea of the need for women to be some sort of victim of a man's 'maleness' or superiority or for a man to be so superior he cannot be abusive, we will keep having these problems.

Till then we will still live by the principle of see no evil, speak no evil.

xoxo


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