NO!

Photo by Harits Mustya Pratama on Unsplash

Unless you have been under a rock, you know about the #metoo and #timesup movements.
I am Nigerian so somehow in my mind it's happening across a sea that requires expensive tickets and hard work to get papers for assess so it's kind of abstract, in a periphery, not for me.
But I think it's relevant here too. Women here should be banding together to stop this confusion there seems to be about consent.

We all know someone that has been in funny confusing situations like this. Maybe it’s even a personal experience.
I know I have been; there are a few that stand out.
One of those university holidays I came home and for lack of anything better to do I agreed to go out with a guy friend of mine.  I knew he was interested in dating but I had seriously friend zoned him. He took me out and at the end of the date (note a date to me) he wanted to make out in the car.
I clearly remember saying no, but it seemed to me as if the no I was saying was just another version of ‘try harder’ to him. He kept insisting and we kept playing the docking the heads to find the lips game. I just was not interested in kissing but the car was locked and I didn’t want to create a scene as we were parked in front of my parent's house. Just so I could leave the car and go safely inside the house, I did eventually let him kiss me.

Oh the stories I could tell on this issue.

I once had a man cry and beg me once, but in this instance what he wanted I could not give sadly. If I could bend just a little, I know I would have found a way to accommodate him, and being  quite young I kept asking myself if the problem was with me (as far as he was concerned, the problem was with me and I was heartless).

Very recently I was driving home at night and got pulled over by a police officer. It was a great day and we had just completed work that was overwhelming I was in a good mood. So I treated the officer politely. I think I may have even smiled and hailed him back when he greeted "ahh welldone sister, before I knew it Mr. officer had leaned into my car window and was touching my arm telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. This was confusing to me. What about my demeanor made him feel this was okay? Who knows the kind of "kube" uncle had inhaled that night. I kept a levelled and polite voice so he let me go and I drove off. I cannot lie I felt molested and I actually figured right after that it was my fault. That evening I replayed the whole thing in my head over and over trying to see what I did to encourage it.

Nothing.

A man once told me that to some men when a woman says "No" it's kind of a turn on, it's like she is playing hard to get and wants you to try harder.  This is true that somehow some men still believe this.

How many times have you had to give a guy a soft landing because you don't want to hurt his feelings meanwhile he is insisting that he knows what it is you want so you have to accommodate him.

This disregard has even transmitted into our workplace that when some men work on a team with a woman, they either talk over her or try to explain her own thought process to her, like she is a trouble maker and she should be more accommodating using condescending words like "you need to calm down ma" or "you won't get it" or "that's how women are". And they don't feel they are doing anything wrong. Holding us at our ankles, from an early age we are steeped in the bucket of complacency so we can be a certain way more accommodating and nice and most times this is to our own detriment.

It's time to call a spade a spade.

Men, boys need to join the conversation and not feel attacked by it. Interactions between sexes need to be more balanced and both parties need to feel heard and understood.

If she says NO just take it as NO. Let her be the one to tell you her no was a game. Don't go around assuming these things. If one girl seemed to like it, it doesn't mean all the women you meet will.